Onna Pleasure Muse Interview- Ailey Jolie
Today, we are excited to introduce another of our pleasure muses, Ailey Jolie. Recommended by our Instagram followers for her profound insights on relationships and intimacy—both with oneself and others—Ailey brings a wealth of wisdom and experience to our community.
Ailey is a highly credentialed Registered Clinical Counselor (RCC) and Canadian Certified Counsellor (CCC), as well as a Certified Sex Therapist with AASECT. She holds a Master of Counselling Psychology, a Master of Arts in Depth Psychology with an Emphasis in Somatic Studies, and is a graduate of Harvard Medical School's Global Mental Health: Trauma Recovery program. With additional certifications as a Focusing Oriented Therapist, Compassionate Inquiry Practitioner, and Somatic Experiencing Practitioner, Ailey specializes in sexual trauma integration, embodiment, eating disorders, and intimate relationships. She integrates principles from depth psychology, relational somatics, intersectional feminism, and interpersonal neurobiology in her therapeutic practice.
Who is Ailey?
As a therapist, I am described as fiercely compassionate, gracefully provocative, and curious like a cat. As a human, I am as slow-paced as the meditations I guide, a prophetic poet, an ex-dancer turned movement enthusiast, a passionate activist, and a deeply attuned empath. I embrace the messy stuff, the taboo, and honor the magic within all of our bones. I approach the profession of therapy with transparency, honouring that my history of trauma is a potent reason why I am passionate about supporting others to reconnect to the body.
How do you personally define pleasure, and how has that definition evolved over time?
Pleasure, for me, is the experience of being fully alive in the present moment, engaging with life through our senses and emotions. Initially, I saw pleasure as something external—chocolate, a massage, or a beautiful sunset. Over time, my understanding deepened. Now, I recognize that true pleasure arises from an inner state of presence and openness, a willingness to embrace life’s joys and sorrows alike. Pleasure, for me, at this point in my life, is as much a state of mind as it is anything else.
What role does pleasure play in your daily life, and how do you prioritize it?
Pleasure is an integral part of my daily life. I prioritize it by cultivating mindfulness and staying attuned to my body's needs and desires. Whether it’s savoring a cup of tea, feeling the sun on my skin, or taking a few moments to breathe deeply, I weave pleasure into the fabric of my day. Pleasure, for me, is all about being present and appreciating the small, often overlooked moments.
Do you have any pleasure rituals?
Yes, I have several. One of my favorites is moving my body. I love the tender sensations you are able to notice when the body is guided through postures and positions; regardless of what style of movement that is. Having that level of intimacy with my body is a ritual of pleasure for me because it genuinely always brings me back to a state of ease, gratitude, and joy. Things that, for me, are essential to defining pleasure.
Nature is my sanctuary. Whether hiking in the mountains, swimming in the ocean, or simply sitting under a tree, being in nature consistently brings me joy. Creative expression, through dance, writing, or art, also provides deep pleasure. Recently, I have started taking both singing lessons and graffiti art classes—both are bringing me a new sense of pleasure. Singing feels like an internal massage.
What advice would you give to others who may be hesitant to explore or prioritize pleasure in their lives?
Start small and be gentle with yourself. Allow yourself to notice and savor the little moments of pleasure throughout your day. Give yourself permission to explore and prioritize activities that bring you joy without judgment. Remember, pleasure is not a luxury—it’s a necessity for a balanced and fulfilling life. Also, remember that your pleasure might not look like anyone else’s; you get to define pleasure for yourself.
Biggest lessons you have learned about intimate relationships?
The most important lesson is that intimacy requires vulnerability. Allowing ourselves to be seen, flaws and all, creates deeper connections. Another lesson is the importance of maintaining a sense of self within a relationship. Healthy intimacy is about whole individuals coming together, not losing oneself in the other.
Do you think sexual incompatibility can be worked on or is it something one needs to accept and move on from?
Sexual compatibility can often be worked on with open communication, patience, and a willingness to explore each other's needs and desires. However, it’s also important to recognize when fundamental differences exist and whether they can be reconciled. Each situation is unique. Your sexuality is unique and ultimately only you know if you can reconcile what might feel lacking for you in your partnership. If there is trauma, of any kind, I always invite people to explore couples therapy. Sometimes our fear of intimacy can manifest in very interesting ways. For me, it even manifested as picking up an odor from a partner that wasn’t really there. The mind/body connection is fascinating. If you are thinking about leaving because of a physical incompatibility despite a lot of love and desire for the relationship to maintain—individual or couples therapy is my only suggestion. Only you know if leaving or staying is “right” for you. A therapist can support you in exploring that.
If you could talk to your younger self, what would you tell yourself about sexuality and intimacy?
I would tell my younger self to embrace her sexuality without shame or fear. To explore her desires and communicate openly with her partners. I’d remind her that intimacy is a journey, not a destination, and to be patient and compassionate with herself along the way. I’d also tell her that sex will get so much better when you honor that a deep emotional connection is what you need to feel sexually open, when you stop performing, and when you prioritize your pleasure.
Best tip on deepening intimacy between a couple that has got into a rut? Any simple practices and tools you would recommend?
Rekindle intimacy by creating intentional time together without distractions. Engage in activities that foster connection, such as eye-gazing, partner yoga, or simply holding hands and sharing thoughts and feelings.
When do you feel particularly connected to a partner, either emotionally or spiritually?
I feel most connected during moments of genuine vulnerability and openness. When we share our deepest fears, dreams, and emotions, a profound bond forms. Going to couples therapy for me has always been such a “turn on” or a complete relationship ender. There is nothing sexier for me than someone being willing to explore their gritty, icky, sticky dark bits of their psyche. It is such a privilege to know even the darkest portions of the person we love. It makes me feel so much closer in every single way.
How do you approach communication about desires, boundaries, and expectations within your romantic relationships?
I approach these conversations with honesty and empathy. Creating a safe space for open dialogue is crucial. I use "I" statements to express my feelings and needs and listen actively to my partner's perspectives. Regular check-ins help ensure that both partners feel heard and respected. I’m a therapist, so this feels pretty intuitive for me in my personal life. Sometimes too intuitive and I have to ensure that I get to express my desires, boundaries, and expectations and don’t just create a space for them to communicate theirs.
In what ways do you express and receive love within your relationships, and how have these expressions evolved?
I express love through acts of service, physical touch, and words of affirmation. I receive love by being attentive to my partner's gestures and reciprocating with gratitude. Over time, I’ve learned to appreciate the subtle, everyday acts of love and to communicate my needs more clearly.
Going deep with one or going wider with others?
I value deep, meaningful connections. While I cherish a wide circle of friends and acquaintances, my most profound fulfillment comes from nurturing a few deep relationships where mutual understanding and intimacy thrive.
What are some things that most people do not know about you?
That I was Miss Canada and spent most of my childhood training as a dancer.
What is sensuality for you and how do you embody it?
Sensuality is the art of fully engaging with the present moment. A love affair with the now. I embody it by staying attuned to my body’s sensations and pleasures, whether it’s the feel of soft fabric against my skin, the taste of a ripe fruit, or the sound of rain. Sensuality is about savoring the richness of life.
If you could give just one piece of advice to women on sex and desire, what would it be?
Your body is a place only you can ever truly know. Take the time to explore it, understand it, and listen to its signals. Embrace your desires without judgment, and communicate openly with your partner. Prioritize your pleasure and never be afraid to express what you need and want in your intimate experiences. Remember, your pleasure is as valid and important as anyone else's, and it deserves to be honored and celebrated.
As a therapist, what are your offerings and how can people work with you?
One-one-one psychotherapy and embodiment membership platform.
Follow Ailey here:
Website: www.aileyjolie.com
Socials: Instagram
